Lists

I don't know whether it's hormones, all of the stress going on around me, that 25 things list, reconnecting with people on Facebook...or a combination...but I am feeling very melancholy right now, and I've been thinking of things I miss, or don't miss, and more "lists" keeping running through my mind. So please indulge me as I send these thoughts out into the world.

(If you don't want to read the post, at least go to the end and watch the video.)

There's no great lesson in this other than it proves the wisdom of Solomon who wrote:
"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

Things I miss:
1. Living down the street from both of my grandmothers.
2. Going to the store around the corner and buying candy for a penny.
3. Living someplace small enough where you know almost everyone, and everyone knows you.
4. Catching lightning bugs.
5. Riding my bicycle at night in the summer and not having to be afraid.
6. Playing badminton and Frisbee in the backyard with my dad.
7. Sitting and talking with my mom while she put on her make-up.
8. Having my own real-live baby doll in the form of my sister who is 10 years younger than me.
9. Being able to ride my bicycle anywhere in town.
10. My senior year in high school.
11. The first summer Dave and I dated.
12. Writing letters back and forth with Dave while he was at school in Syracuse, NY and I was at school in New Jersey.
13. Weekend road trips Dave and I took before we had kids.
14. My babies' first smiles.
15. My babies from 6 to 18 months when they were soaking up the world in huge gulps!
16. Walking my babies in their strollers and discovering the world.
17. Halloweens with the DeStefano family.
18. Tucking the kids into bed at night...prayers, songs, making Mallory's Cabbage Patch Doll "Alana" pray and making up silly songs with Steven.
19. Steven bringing home pine cones and rocks for me. (I still have the pine cones.)
20. Mallory drawing me pictures. (I still have those too.)
21. Steven riding "shotgun" with me in the car and two of us singing songs together.
22. Mallory telling me she will always live with me...or next door at most!
23. Reading to my kids.
24. Dressing Mallory up in cute clothes and hair ribbons.
25. Youth group trips with Steven.
26. Game nights during our family vacations on Long Beach Island.
27. The time all four of us spend in the car together...rare...but it seems like old times.


Things I don't or won't miss:
1. Living someplace small enough where you know almost everyone, and everyone knows you. (Yes I know this was under things I miss...but it was both a blessing and a curse.)
2. Always being among those picked last for any game in gym class.
3. The summer after my freshman year in high school when I didn't have anyone to hang around with.
4. My parents getting a divorce.
5. Feeling different because my family was so different from everyone else's family.
6. Moving from the town I spent most of my growing up years right after I graduated high school.
7. My senior year in college. (And if I'm being honest, I don't miss my sophomore year either.)
8. Having my parents hate one another and trying to plan a wedding with all of that going on.
9. Not having my mother at my wedding.
10. Not having my mother with me when my children were born.
11. Potty Training. (My kids...I don't remember whether or not I liked being potty trained!)
12. The times my kids said, "I hate you." or "I don't want to live here." (Or when I can tell that's what they are thinking.)
13. Times that I failed my kids.
14. Living in a small condo for the 9 months our house was under construction.
15. Depression
16. Fighting with Mallory
17. Watching my son drive off in a car without me.
18. Not being able to keep my kids from being hurt, even at church.
19. I-pods in my kids ears in the car.
20. Watching my daughter having her heart broken.
21. Leaving Steven at college when I know he wanted to get back in the car and come home.
22. Watching my teenage kids make choices that hurt them, and knowing I can't do anything about it.
23. Regrets that I wished that they would grow up.
24. Hurting because they are grown up and I can never get the time I wished away back.
25. Feeling like I can't get "it" right.
26. Watching my kids struggle with their faith in God and their relationship with the church.

Things I enjoy now at this time in my life:
1. Not needing a babysitter.
2. Having time to do what I want to do, when I want to do it.
3. Watching Mallory on stage.
4. Watching Steven learning to be responsible for himself.
5. Going to the shore...alone.
6. Reading books all year, not just on vacation.
7. Feeling like I've grown as a person.
8. Growing flowers.
9. Feeding the birds.
10. Having time to write a blog.
11. Friends that I can depend on.
12. A great marriage.
13. Special times when the four of us are together.
14. Mallory still calls me "Mommy" sometimes.
15. Mallory and I have a relationship I wasn't sure we'd ever have.
16. Hugs from my son who is much bigger than I am now.
17. Talking about the future with Dave.
18. Seeing how well mannered and helpful and giving my children can be.
19. Watching my kids take satisfaction in a job well done.
20. Watching my kids accomplish things they want to, and things they didn't know that they could.
21. The moments I feel that I got at least some of "it" right.
22. Eating breakfast on the deck in the summer.
23. Hot tea and cookies in the winter.
24. Having a good relationship with all 3 of my parents.
25. Knowing that no matter how bad things have ever been, my parents, siblings, andI have stuck together.
26. Doing ministry work at my church.
27. I drive something other than a mini-van now.
28. Being sure of who God is.
29. Being sure that I belong to Him.
30. Knowing (sometimes) when to get out of the way and let God do His will.
31. That Steven and Mallory are very close.

Things I hope for and look forward to in the future:
1. Traveling with Dave.
2. Finding a new identity as something other than "full time mom."
3. The hope that someday I'll be able to "look back and laugh" and wonder why I was so worried.
4. Watching my own children parent their children, and hopefully have some wisdom to offer if and when they ask.
5. Continued spiritual growth.
6. Less house cleaning!
7. Not being held captive by my monthly cycle.
8. Not losing sleep waiting to hear a child come home when curfew is after my bedtime.
9. My 50th Wedding Anniversary.
10. Heaven

If you've read this far, thank you for indulging me. And I'm sorry if I send any of you into the melancholy state I'm in! But if I have, please feel free to comment back with some of your thoughts.

Please pause the playlist and take a few minutes to watch this video clip. This one of my favorite songs...Chris Rice, "Life Means So Much." I haven't been able to get the song for the playlist. But for this post it's a must have.

I used to....

I joined Facebook last week. Several friends at church suggested I do it...and I thought, "Just another thing for me to do." But everyone seemed to be having a lot of fun with it, so I figured I'd give it a whirl. And it has been fun! So far, in less than a week, I have 75 friends!

What has really been wonderful is the people who have "found" me! Three people who were very important to me at particular times in my life, who for whatever reason I lost contact with, have reconnected with me. I know two of them actually searched for me, which makes me feel good. Will we really reconnect? I don't know. But it's good to know they still think about me like I think about them. I wonder why we lost touch in the first place? Why did God send me down different roads than some of the people I thought I could never lose touch with?

The last couple of days on Facebook there has been a fun thing circulating among my friends called "25 Random Things About Me." I wrote mine...of course much more wordy than most everyone else's...talk a lot...write a lot...something everyone already knows about me!

What I noticed when I was reading some of the lists my friends wrote, as well as my own, was there were a number of comments like, "I used to do...." "I used to be..." "I want to do..." For some reason I started thinking about those comments. Add to that the people I "used to be" so close to. And I began to think about the path God leads us down in our lives, and where we go and what we do when we take the wheel, or when we let God do the driving.

This morning, I checked on Pattie's blog, and she posted this really neat poem about guidance. It's called "Dancing With God." There's a great analogy in it, and I'm not going to try to summarize it here, other than to say it tied in perfectly with what I've been mulling over since last night. So click on the word "poem" above and read it for yourself.

Most of our "used to's" and "want to's" came from the fact that right now we are mothers, and sometime I think we feel that motherhood is an interruption of what we really wanted to do...especially on difficult days! I remember reading somewhere a woman talking about that, and how she wondered what her purpose in life is while she was washing the dishes after a long day of mothering and taking care of the house. It occurred to her that there was no reason to think that God's purpose for her at that moment in time was to be...washing the dishes! Right now, her purpose was to be a mother. I know that's no big revelation, but I know I forget that sometimes. Recently, one of our Elder's wives shared with us that she now believes her main purpose in life was to be the mother of one particular child out of her children.

I'm also thinking of our latest American hero, Capt. "Sully" Sullenberger who landed that plane perfectly in the Hudson River. Many times it's been reported that he learned to fly at 14, he has flown in the Air Force, piloted jets for US Airways since 1980, owns a consulting firm that specializes in airline emergencies, studied the psychology of airline emergencies, and in his spare time is a certified glider pilot! He and many others have said that his life was a preparation for that exact moment in time that he had to land that plane. Maybe Sully wanted to do different things at some point in his life. And if he had, would he have been able to land a plane with no engine power in a river in a way that spared the lives of every person on board?

How many of us will ever know those exact moments in time that God has been preparing them for? Is it one great moment, or many "everyday" moments?

There are many things I would like to do, things I wish I could continued to do, things I wish I never did, or never happened. As a Christian, I have to decide every moment whether or not to "dance with God." Sometimes I'm sure God "cut in" and danced with me whether I liked it or not! The longer I have been a Christian, the more I can see how my past experiences prepare me for situations that meet me in life. Sometimes it's a repeat, and I know what I did last time helps me to handle it better this time. Sometimes it SO obvious that God has prepared me for an exact moment in time that I know without a doubt that I can confidently allow Him to direct me. And what He usually tells me is to rely on what He's taught me in the past, whether I drove, or He drove. And something that would have sent me into a tailspin not long ago, I can now face with peace.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way, walk in it." Isaiah 30:21

For this God is our God forever and ever; he will be our guide until the end." Psalm 48:14

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, " plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Today joy is.....

Today was not a good day. I woke up with several things heavy on my heart...my mother's cancer may be advancing, my brother's marriage is failing, my sister's 7 month old daughter was going to the hospital for some testing. Not long after my daughter got to school she sent me a text message (yeah..I know...she's not supposed to be texting from school, but oh well, it works for us) that her art teacher, who she has had every year in high school, and who she is fond of, had to take a indefinite leave of absence due to what is probably an completely false accusation. It seems like students are catching on that they can accuse a teacher of anything, even something that everyone else in the room can refute, and that teacher is "poof"...gone.

I arrived at our Tuesday morning Bible class with my heavy heart. Well, something must have been in the air today because for over a half hour we all shared our burdens. So many people had things to share today. Illness, legal issues, family dynamics, theft, financial issues. Everything shared wasn't bad, but it seemed especially heavy today.

Mal is getting another job and had to get a copy of the working papers she had on file at school...only to find out that a school secretary couldn't find the copy of her working papers...with her SS# and copy of birth certificate attached ...unbelievable in this day and age of identity theft. A phone call from "mommy" to someone who was willing to persuade the secretary to look again took care of that...shortly after, mommy received a phone call from a very apologetic school secretary letting me know that the papers turned up....at least that was taken care of. But it was aggravating because the school district had somehow lost SS#'s for my kids before, and I had to provide proof, and then later mixed their numbers up, and I had to provide proof again.

THEN I found out that my niece has a tumor behind her lung that has to be removed. So next week, my baby sister has to hand HER baby over to a surgeon who not only has to remove the tumor, but needs to deflate one of her lungs to do it...a baby that's already had some respiratory issues this winter. I am just sick to my stomach about this. A 7 month old baby should not have a tumor and should not have to have major surgery. My sister lives 2 hours away from me, and I am not there with her, and right now, I feel kind of helpless.

Tomorrow ( I know...tomorrow has enough trouble of it's own...that's what I'm afraid of!) my mom goes for all of the scans she has every few weeks to see what's going on with the cancer. The superficial tumor on her back that was removed less than 2 months ago is growing back...so I'm not optimistic.

But...you're saying...this blog is supposed to be about JOY! Well, it is. However, joy is not happiness. Joy is not a stress-free life.

Right now joy is that I know that God hears my cries and pleas, and knows my heartache. (Thank you Mike B. for the fantastic lesson you gave us on this topic last Sunday...) God also heard all of the concerns on the hearts of my sisters in Christ this morning.

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4

Right now joy is that I was able to assure my sister who God is, and that He knows her pain and concern, and He feels it right along with her. I was able to assure her that it is not God who brings that kind of suffering.

From Psalm 145
"The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made." v. 8-9
"The Lord is faithful in all his promises and loving toward all he has made." v. 13b
"The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made." v. 17

Right now joy is knowing that my mother and my niece both have access to excellent health care, and medical insurance to go with it.

Right now joy is that I can go to bed when I finish writing this, knowing that even though I am not there with my sister right now, even though I can't be around to do the little, spur of the moment thing she needs help with, I know I'm doing the most powerful thing I can do...I'm praying. And I'm asking everyone and anyone to pray for my niece Maria, my sister Lorraine, her husband Vince, and their other children, my niece Sofia and my nephew Anthony.

Right now joy is knowing that in the midst of all of this, I am richly blessed.

Maria