Lists

I don't know whether it's hormones, all of the stress going on around me, that 25 things list, reconnecting with people on Facebook...or a combination...but I am feeling very melancholy right now, and I've been thinking of things I miss, or don't miss, and more "lists" keeping running through my mind. So please indulge me as I send these thoughts out into the world.

(If you don't want to read the post, at least go to the end and watch the video.)

There's no great lesson in this other than it proves the wisdom of Solomon who wrote:
"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

Things I miss:
1. Living down the street from both of my grandmothers.
2. Going to the store around the corner and buying candy for a penny.
3. Living someplace small enough where you know almost everyone, and everyone knows you.
4. Catching lightning bugs.
5. Riding my bicycle at night in the summer and not having to be afraid.
6. Playing badminton and Frisbee in the backyard with my dad.
7. Sitting and talking with my mom while she put on her make-up.
8. Having my own real-live baby doll in the form of my sister who is 10 years younger than me.
9. Being able to ride my bicycle anywhere in town.
10. My senior year in high school.
11. The first summer Dave and I dated.
12. Writing letters back and forth with Dave while he was at school in Syracuse, NY and I was at school in New Jersey.
13. Weekend road trips Dave and I took before we had kids.
14. My babies' first smiles.
15. My babies from 6 to 18 months when they were soaking up the world in huge gulps!
16. Walking my babies in their strollers and discovering the world.
17. Halloweens with the DeStefano family.
18. Tucking the kids into bed at night...prayers, songs, making Mallory's Cabbage Patch Doll "Alana" pray and making up silly songs with Steven.
19. Steven bringing home pine cones and rocks for me. (I still have the pine cones.)
20. Mallory drawing me pictures. (I still have those too.)
21. Steven riding "shotgun" with me in the car and two of us singing songs together.
22. Mallory telling me she will always live with me...or next door at most!
23. Reading to my kids.
24. Dressing Mallory up in cute clothes and hair ribbons.
25. Youth group trips with Steven.
26. Game nights during our family vacations on Long Beach Island.
27. The time all four of us spend in the car together...rare...but it seems like old times.


Things I don't or won't miss:
1. Living someplace small enough where you know almost everyone, and everyone knows you. (Yes I know this was under things I miss...but it was both a blessing and a curse.)
2. Always being among those picked last for any game in gym class.
3. The summer after my freshman year in high school when I didn't have anyone to hang around with.
4. My parents getting a divorce.
5. Feeling different because my family was so different from everyone else's family.
6. Moving from the town I spent most of my growing up years right after I graduated high school.
7. My senior year in college. (And if I'm being honest, I don't miss my sophomore year either.)
8. Having my parents hate one another and trying to plan a wedding with all of that going on.
9. Not having my mother at my wedding.
10. Not having my mother with me when my children were born.
11. Potty Training. (My kids...I don't remember whether or not I liked being potty trained!)
12. The times my kids said, "I hate you." or "I don't want to live here." (Or when I can tell that's what they are thinking.)
13. Times that I failed my kids.
14. Living in a small condo for the 9 months our house was under construction.
15. Depression
16. Fighting with Mallory
17. Watching my son drive off in a car without me.
18. Not being able to keep my kids from being hurt, even at church.
19. I-pods in my kids ears in the car.
20. Watching my daughter having her heart broken.
21. Leaving Steven at college when I know he wanted to get back in the car and come home.
22. Watching my teenage kids make choices that hurt them, and knowing I can't do anything about it.
23. Regrets that I wished that they would grow up.
24. Hurting because they are grown up and I can never get the time I wished away back.
25. Feeling like I can't get "it" right.
26. Watching my kids struggle with their faith in God and their relationship with the church.

Things I enjoy now at this time in my life:
1. Not needing a babysitter.
2. Having time to do what I want to do, when I want to do it.
3. Watching Mallory on stage.
4. Watching Steven learning to be responsible for himself.
5. Going to the shore...alone.
6. Reading books all year, not just on vacation.
7. Feeling like I've grown as a person.
8. Growing flowers.
9. Feeding the birds.
10. Having time to write a blog.
11. Friends that I can depend on.
12. A great marriage.
13. Special times when the four of us are together.
14. Mallory still calls me "Mommy" sometimes.
15. Mallory and I have a relationship I wasn't sure we'd ever have.
16. Hugs from my son who is much bigger than I am now.
17. Talking about the future with Dave.
18. Seeing how well mannered and helpful and giving my children can be.
19. Watching my kids take satisfaction in a job well done.
20. Watching my kids accomplish things they want to, and things they didn't know that they could.
21. The moments I feel that I got at least some of "it" right.
22. Eating breakfast on the deck in the summer.
23. Hot tea and cookies in the winter.
24. Having a good relationship with all 3 of my parents.
25. Knowing that no matter how bad things have ever been, my parents, siblings, andI have stuck together.
26. Doing ministry work at my church.
27. I drive something other than a mini-van now.
28. Being sure of who God is.
29. Being sure that I belong to Him.
30. Knowing (sometimes) when to get out of the way and let God do His will.
31. That Steven and Mallory are very close.

Things I hope for and look forward to in the future:
1. Traveling with Dave.
2. Finding a new identity as something other than "full time mom."
3. The hope that someday I'll be able to "look back and laugh" and wonder why I was so worried.
4. Watching my own children parent their children, and hopefully have some wisdom to offer if and when they ask.
5. Continued spiritual growth.
6. Less house cleaning!
7. Not being held captive by my monthly cycle.
8. Not losing sleep waiting to hear a child come home when curfew is after my bedtime.
9. My 50th Wedding Anniversary.
10. Heaven

If you've read this far, thank you for indulging me. And I'm sorry if I send any of you into the melancholy state I'm in! But if I have, please feel free to comment back with some of your thoughts.

Please pause the playlist and take a few minutes to watch this video clip. This one of my favorite songs...Chris Rice, "Life Means So Much." I haven't been able to get the song for the playlist. But for this post it's a must have.

I used to....

I joined Facebook last week. Several friends at church suggested I do it...and I thought, "Just another thing for me to do." But everyone seemed to be having a lot of fun with it, so I figured I'd give it a whirl. And it has been fun! So far, in less than a week, I have 75 friends!

What has really been wonderful is the people who have "found" me! Three people who were very important to me at particular times in my life, who for whatever reason I lost contact with, have reconnected with me. I know two of them actually searched for me, which makes me feel good. Will we really reconnect? I don't know. But it's good to know they still think about me like I think about them. I wonder why we lost touch in the first place? Why did God send me down different roads than some of the people I thought I could never lose touch with?

The last couple of days on Facebook there has been a fun thing circulating among my friends called "25 Random Things About Me." I wrote mine...of course much more wordy than most everyone else's...talk a lot...write a lot...something everyone already knows about me!

What I noticed when I was reading some of the lists my friends wrote, as well as my own, was there were a number of comments like, "I used to do...." "I used to be..." "I want to do..." For some reason I started thinking about those comments. Add to that the people I "used to be" so close to. And I began to think about the path God leads us down in our lives, and where we go and what we do when we take the wheel, or when we let God do the driving.

This morning, I checked on Pattie's blog, and she posted this really neat poem about guidance. It's called "Dancing With God." There's a great analogy in it, and I'm not going to try to summarize it here, other than to say it tied in perfectly with what I've been mulling over since last night. So click on the word "poem" above and read it for yourself.

Most of our "used to's" and "want to's" came from the fact that right now we are mothers, and sometime I think we feel that motherhood is an interruption of what we really wanted to do...especially on difficult days! I remember reading somewhere a woman talking about that, and how she wondered what her purpose in life is while she was washing the dishes after a long day of mothering and taking care of the house. It occurred to her that there was no reason to think that God's purpose for her at that moment in time was to be...washing the dishes! Right now, her purpose was to be a mother. I know that's no big revelation, but I know I forget that sometimes. Recently, one of our Elder's wives shared with us that she now believes her main purpose in life was to be the mother of one particular child out of her children.

I'm also thinking of our latest American hero, Capt. "Sully" Sullenberger who landed that plane perfectly in the Hudson River. Many times it's been reported that he learned to fly at 14, he has flown in the Air Force, piloted jets for US Airways since 1980, owns a consulting firm that specializes in airline emergencies, studied the psychology of airline emergencies, and in his spare time is a certified glider pilot! He and many others have said that his life was a preparation for that exact moment in time that he had to land that plane. Maybe Sully wanted to do different things at some point in his life. And if he had, would he have been able to land a plane with no engine power in a river in a way that spared the lives of every person on board?

How many of us will ever know those exact moments in time that God has been preparing them for? Is it one great moment, or many "everyday" moments?

There are many things I would like to do, things I wish I could continued to do, things I wish I never did, or never happened. As a Christian, I have to decide every moment whether or not to "dance with God." Sometimes I'm sure God "cut in" and danced with me whether I liked it or not! The longer I have been a Christian, the more I can see how my past experiences prepare me for situations that meet me in life. Sometimes it's a repeat, and I know what I did last time helps me to handle it better this time. Sometimes it SO obvious that God has prepared me for an exact moment in time that I know without a doubt that I can confidently allow Him to direct me. And what He usually tells me is to rely on what He's taught me in the past, whether I drove, or He drove. And something that would have sent me into a tailspin not long ago, I can now face with peace.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way, walk in it." Isaiah 30:21

For this God is our God forever and ever; he will be our guide until the end." Psalm 48:14

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, " plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Today joy is.....

Today was not a good day. I woke up with several things heavy on my heart...my mother's cancer may be advancing, my brother's marriage is failing, my sister's 7 month old daughter was going to the hospital for some testing. Not long after my daughter got to school she sent me a text message (yeah..I know...she's not supposed to be texting from school, but oh well, it works for us) that her art teacher, who she has had every year in high school, and who she is fond of, had to take a indefinite leave of absence due to what is probably an completely false accusation. It seems like students are catching on that they can accuse a teacher of anything, even something that everyone else in the room can refute, and that teacher is "poof"...gone.

I arrived at our Tuesday morning Bible class with my heavy heart. Well, something must have been in the air today because for over a half hour we all shared our burdens. So many people had things to share today. Illness, legal issues, family dynamics, theft, financial issues. Everything shared wasn't bad, but it seemed especially heavy today.

Mal is getting another job and had to get a copy of the working papers she had on file at school...only to find out that a school secretary couldn't find the copy of her working papers...with her SS# and copy of birth certificate attached ...unbelievable in this day and age of identity theft. A phone call from "mommy" to someone who was willing to persuade the secretary to look again took care of that...shortly after, mommy received a phone call from a very apologetic school secretary letting me know that the papers turned up....at least that was taken care of. But it was aggravating because the school district had somehow lost SS#'s for my kids before, and I had to provide proof, and then later mixed their numbers up, and I had to provide proof again.

THEN I found out that my niece has a tumor behind her lung that has to be removed. So next week, my baby sister has to hand HER baby over to a surgeon who not only has to remove the tumor, but needs to deflate one of her lungs to do it...a baby that's already had some respiratory issues this winter. I am just sick to my stomach about this. A 7 month old baby should not have a tumor and should not have to have major surgery. My sister lives 2 hours away from me, and I am not there with her, and right now, I feel kind of helpless.

Tomorrow ( I know...tomorrow has enough trouble of it's own...that's what I'm afraid of!) my mom goes for all of the scans she has every few weeks to see what's going on with the cancer. The superficial tumor on her back that was removed less than 2 months ago is growing back...so I'm not optimistic.

But...you're saying...this blog is supposed to be about JOY! Well, it is. However, joy is not happiness. Joy is not a stress-free life.

Right now joy is that I know that God hears my cries and pleas, and knows my heartache. (Thank you Mike B. for the fantastic lesson you gave us on this topic last Sunday...) God also heard all of the concerns on the hearts of my sisters in Christ this morning.

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4

Right now joy is that I was able to assure my sister who God is, and that He knows her pain and concern, and He feels it right along with her. I was able to assure her that it is not God who brings that kind of suffering.

From Psalm 145
"The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made." v. 8-9
"The Lord is faithful in all his promises and loving toward all he has made." v. 13b
"The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made." v. 17

Right now joy is knowing that my mother and my niece both have access to excellent health care, and medical insurance to go with it.

Right now joy is that I can go to bed when I finish writing this, knowing that even though I am not there with my sister right now, even though I can't be around to do the little, spur of the moment thing she needs help with, I know I'm doing the most powerful thing I can do...I'm praying. And I'm asking everyone and anyone to pray for my niece Maria, my sister Lorraine, her husband Vince, and their other children, my niece Sofia and my nephew Anthony.

Right now joy is knowing that in the midst of all of this, I am richly blessed.

Maria

He knows me......

Last fall my son attended the final 2008 Presidential Debate, which took place at the college he is attending. He was in the same room, (okay, BIG room,) as the next President of the United States. It struck me then how few people ever get to say they are in the same room as the President.

Several years ago, my brother attended a function in Pennsylvania at which then President George W. Bush was the speaker. It was a much smaller room than the debate. He said that regardless of your political views, it was thrilling to be in the room with the President.

My friend Cordelia got up at the crack of dawn to attend a campaign rally for Barack Obama in Philadelphia. She was able to be in one of the first couple of rows and had the photos to prove it. She was so excited to have had that opportunity.

A couple of days ago, between one and two million people stood on the Parkway in Washington DC to be there when Barack Obama was inaugurated as our new president. Only the first few hundred, maybe a thousand, were probably close enough to actually see it with their own eyes, most of the rest could only watch it on the Jumbo Trons. And some people were happy just to be able to see the top of the Capitol Building in the distance. But nevertheless, they wanted to be in the same geographical area just to be near the historic event.

Somewhere, everyday, average, everyday people will go to see someone who is powerful or famous, someone they think they know all about, just to have a chance to be near them. Maybe they will get to shake hands, or get an autograph; or if they are really fortunate, the person will acknowledge them and speak to them. Miley Cirus, the Jonas Brothers, Queen Elizabeth, JK Rowling, Tiger Woods, Hillary Clinton, George Bush (H. or W.) ...famous, powerful people who are flocked by average Joes and Janes everyday. Even though we feel we know these people, chances are, they will never, ever know us.

All of this has me thinking how awesome, and I mean AWE-SOME, that we have complete access to someone even greater than any of those people: the Creator of all of those people....the Creator of EVERYTHING. We don't need to wait on line, or go through Secret Service security checks, or win a contest, or buy a ticket to meet with God wherever and whenever we want. But even better than that is that He KNOWS us. He knows us before we know him. Think about that......that ought to bring you some joy!

Scripture tells us over and over that God knows us, even better than we know ourselves. I found dozens of scriptures that confirm God's complete acquaintance with each one of us. Here are a few:

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you....." Jeremiah 1:5

"Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:4

"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me-" John 10:14

And of course, there is Psalm 139. And that's what I'll leave you with to ponder. I'm not discounting the thrill of meeting someone famous. I'm just as impressed as the next person. But once in a while, I really think about how we get to know and be known by, and and do work for, the One and Only True Living God, the Creator, the Alpha and the Omega.......

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Complete.....

I have been particularly joyful the last few days because I finally feel like I'm completing all of the tasks, projects, responsibilities that I've had going for the last 6 months. The Master Gardener certification...check! The bookkeeping for the high school fall play....check! The Women's Retreat...check! Christmas...check, check, check!!! It feels SO good to be complete! Sure, there are some new things beginning, like the high school spring musical (Grease...Mal was cast as Frenchie! or is it Frenchy...anyway, you get it.) But it's been a LONG time since I felt like I was finished with everything that I had been doing before I started a new round of "projects." I've caught up with whatever correspondence I needed to write, I'm back on my blog, I've caught up reading the blogs I like to follow. Wow....this feels WONDERFUL!

Even though some stuff is complete, I'm not...and that REALLY makes me JOYFUL!!!! As a recovering perfectionist, my goal was not only to be finished, but to be finished on my time schedule, to finish with perfection, and to never have to re-do the work I've already completed. OH BOY...was that attitude a big giant X on the top of my head. I can just imagine God chuckling as Dan Copper dunked me in the baptismal. Not that I thought that baptism was the end of the journey, I knew I'd learn more about God's Word, but I thought I was pretty good just the way I was. What a heavenly ha ha that must have been! "Hey Gabriel, hey Michael...not only does this one think she's got it all under control, not only does she go by her own measure of 'perfection,' but she thinks one day she gonna wake up and she'll be this completed, all wise, all knowing Christian. She thinks those kind actually exist! This is going to be quite a shock to her!"

So God put me through a few "test" trials to see if I'd catch on before he had to hit me with the heavy artillery. Can you say stubborn! Every time I went through something and realized I actually LEARNED something and matured a little...I figured I had it all figured out. Then I'd do the same stupid things and get myself in the same situation, and I had to have a review and a retake of the test. Just when I thought I had that lesson down...something else would happen. Are you getting the picture?

Some how, some way, I caught on. Perfectionism, well I finally learned that my idea of perfectionism and God's are two different things. I thought I could reach perfection in all I did, even though I knew that I myself was not perfect. No logic there! Only a perfect being could "do" anything perfectly, so I had to learn to stop beating myself up everytime I failed in my own eyes. God has promised me I will be perfect someday, just not in this lifetime!

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

I LOVE that scripture! I LOVE that promise. I'm going to get there! And even better- it's not going to be because of anything I do, it's because of ONE THING Jesus did! He bore my imperfection. God's going to keep working on me in the meantime. And for some reason, even thought growth hurts, I've come to find joy in that. I can look back and see that God loves me enough to take the time to keep showing me that I can stretch and grow in ways that I never thought I could, or never knew I needed to. He'll patiently teach me the same lesson over and over if necessary, even though it's painful. I choose to surrender, and God takes care of the rest.

That's my only contribution... my choice to surrender. Making that choice did not come easy for me. But those "test" trials, they weren't just for God to see me in action...it was for me to see HIM in action. It was so I would learn to trust HIM before he laid the heavy stuff on me. And before the enemy launched attacks. And when I saw what God can do...it doesn't make the trials and battles less painful...but it does let me know that one way or another, I'll be standing with God at the end of it, whether that be here, or in the next life.

So when I was puttering around after church, completing a few last details from 2008, and enjoying it, Philippians 1:6 popped into my head, and then this blog post came out.

Also, take a look at Pattie's post for today. She thinking about the same kind of thing. Check out her current"theme" song, "Whatever You're Doing."


"Cause He's still workin' on me....."

Happy New Year!

NO...I have not abandoned my blog! I had gotten so bogged down with everything that I've been doing for the last 4 months that I pretty much crashed...not a joy filled experience. So I've taken the last couple of weeks to bite off on piece at a time in an effort to get back on track. The blog is one of the last pieces! And because I like to finish what I start, I'm post one last Christmas post before I convert my blog back to it's original format.

Here is a slide show with a few photos of our traditions like the annual ornament for the kids, Christmas eve jammies, Christmas morning, etc. I've included photos of the Santa Claus collection.
For those who have asked, Dave, the official church and family counter and accountant, has conducted an accurate census of the Santas. The official count....drum roll please...177! And I packed them away in record time...less than 4 hours! That's only because I took photos of the contents of every tub and box as I unpacked them and taped them to the lids!

Another item to complete in the promised Christmas posts is the story of My "Thing" about the Three Wise Men. I want to preface this by saying that I am not legalistic!!! However, we all have things that bug us, and for me it's the Wise Men....they WERE NOT there in on the night Jesus was born! So...in my house, they do not appear to be there on ornaments, cards I send, "Nativity Scenes" etc. I was aware at a very young age (thanks to my Jewish Grandmother who was a Jehovah's Witness...another story...) that the Biblical account makes it pretty clear that the Wise Men showed up a couple of years later. When I began to attend church again as an adult, I was attending a church whose members, I thought, were pretty "up" on their Biblical knowledge. Well one Christmas time, we were decorating the church sanctuary, and one of the "pillars" of the church had made silhouettes of the Three Kings approaching the life size Nativity scene we had set up behind the pulpit. I complemented her artwork, and said something like about the tradition of it even though they really weren't there the night Jesus was born. She said, "They weren't!?!" I was quite surprised to find out how few people there had read the Biblical account of Jesus closely enough to see that there is no mention of the Three Kings/Wise Men being in the stable on the night of Jesus birth.

SO....from then on, the Three Kings that came included in the Nativity set I had were set out in another room to make that point that THEY WEREN'T THERE! When we moved into our new house, I couldn't find a good place to put them, so I put them on top of the TV in the TV cabinet. I guess I didn't watch much TV in the living room at that time, because I forgot all about them found them in March! Now, my new set doesn't include the wise men, so it's not a problem for me anymore.

As I said, everyone has their "thing" and that's mine!

I want to wish all of you a Happy and Healthy New Year. Someone recently called it Divine 09 because we need to go into this year with an optimistic attitude. I agree. I also hope that all of the hardships turn into the blessing of bringing believers closer to God, and non-believers to embrace God. So have a JOY-FILLED DIVINE 09!!!