I'm not ready!!!

Remember the movie, "While You Were Sleeping"? Well, I feel like I just woke up and realized the world kept going without me! January was spent recovering from an over scheduled November and December. In February, my sister and her family spent the entire month, from the 1st to the 28th, at my home while my niece Maria was being treated at CHOP. Also during that time, my mother was in the hospital and my daughter had foot surgery. Six days after my sister's family went home, my mother went back into the hospital and passed away 5 days later. Since then, it's been a whirlwind of all that goes along with the loss of my mother. And in there also was Mallory's spring musical, which I devoted the better part of a week to help with. (A bright spot in the month of March.)

So what happened to the winter? I'm not a fan of winter, but there are a few things about it that I like. What happened to snuggling up in front of the fire with cookies and hot tea? The nearly full cord of firewood in our backyard virtually untouched attests to a lack of fires in the fireplace. What happened to American Idol? I have no idea what's going on. I have 2 months of TV shows on the DVR unwatched (mercifully I did get caught up on Lost!) None of the projects I planned on doing over the winter got finished. A couple got started, but they still lay where I left them on January 31st. What happened to photographing the winter birds at the bird feeder and in the snow...I'll tell you what happened, I haven't filled the feeders in at least a month. So no birds!

Today I realized that in about a week it will be time to put out the hummingbird feeder. That means it's really spring. And that reminded me to take 10 minutes to go outside and fill up the regular bird feeders. Stepping into the backyard, the first thing I noticed was what a mess the flower and shrub beds are...some Master Gardener I am. I was so busy finishing my internship for the Master Gardener program in September and October that the fall yardwork never got done! I never got to the critical late winter and early spring work on the beds for obvious reasons. Then, with panic in my heart, I noticed that beneath all of the debris of last summer, new plants were coming up! And I said out loud, "No God, stop, I'm not ready for this yet!" Whether I'm ready or not, the hostas are coming up, so are the daylilies, shasta daisies, peonies, yarrow, and clematis. The hydrangeas are beginning to leaf out, and I see green fuzz on some of the trees.

After I went back in the house, I realized the absurdity of the statement, "No God, stop, I'm not ready for this yet!" Can you imagine what we would miss out on if God stopped every time we told Him we weren't ready? How many of us may never have stepped out in faith for a job, a relationship, parenthood, a dream, or anything like that if we had the option to tell God we weren't ready and that He had to stop for us? I think about the blessings I would have missed if I waited to feel "ready" for so many of the situations, experiences, ministries, etc. that God placed before me. Whether I'm finished with last fall's yard work or not, God's going to raise those plants out of the ground, even if I'm not ready. He's going to keep doing what He does, and it's up to me whether to go along with Him and enjoy the growth and the blossoms that come from a life cultivated by Him.

Mommy

This is my Mommy. Her boyfriend Andy took this photo of her on their first date about 16 years or so ago. She was so beautiful, and this is her in her signature white leggings and big hair. She passed away last Wednesday after battling cancer for almost a year and a half. And yes, I still called her Mommy. She called her mother Mommy, and my daughter still calls me Mommy. And I hope it stays that way! My mother would have been 66 next Friday. My son, her oldest grandchild, shares that birthday with her. For my mom's 60th birthday, we had a surprise party, and we all wrote a tribute to read to her. I can find no better words for my mom than what I wrote then. So I'm posting it here as a tribute to her now. If you don't read it because of the length, I understand, but I think you'll be missing out if you don't!

Mommy,

One time I told you the one thing I remember you teaching me was “You have to suffer to be beautiful.” And you said- “That’s the only thing?”

When I think of that, I also remember sitting in the bathroom while you put your makeup on and did your hair. That was “our time.” It took you awhile to get yourself “ready” so we always had a lot of time to talk then. I don’t remember what we talked about, but I remember enjoying that time.

Mom, you did teach me about a lot more than hair and makeup. You taught me how to dance. We used to dance almost every night. Motown, Oldies, Led Zeppelin, Steppinwolf, you name it. I remember this one song “Crazy Little Momma” that Donna and I liked. She and I used to take turns hiding in a closet, and when you opened the door, we would pop out and shuffle around like an old lady pecking everything with our hands. I guess that was our interpretation of the song. I remember watching the “Tom Jones Show” and we would all swoon and then when he danced we would dance and try to do that back and forth head swinging thing he did. I think we all mostly just got a headache from trying! We always had the coolest mom in the neighborhood.

You taught me how to appreciate beautiful things. Like flowers. You loved flowers and loved growing things outside. Shrubs, vegetables, flowers, whatever. Now I love that too. I love to have cut flowers in my house and I think of you every time I have them.

One of my very favorite smells is the smell of the air right after a spring rain. You always loved that smell. And I think of you when I smell it. I do not drink coffee. But I love waking up to the smell because it reminds me of being small and waking up and smelling coffee brewing and knowing that you were already up.

Now let me pause here to tell you some of the things I don’t remember liking. You drove too slow. When we were late for school, you never drove faster. You were spunky and high energy- but you drove too slow! You wouldn’t let us have a gerbil. We couldn’t understand why you didn’t like the cute little critters. So one day after Debbie Fisher’s gerbils had babies we figured if you saw one, you would think they were as cute as we did. So we brought some of them home in a cookie tin, so you wouldn’t know what it was until we opened it. I guess you were really expecting there to be cookies in that tin because- well let’s just say that everyone within a 3 block radius knew we scared the living daylights out of you. And we knew never to ask again. And you didn’t like when I wore flannel shirts and Boones Farm t-Shirts and canvas boy’s sneakers. I thought I looked pretty cool but you didn’t. So how come a few years later you let me wear enough blue eye shadow to light up a third world country- what was up with that?!

You taught me to take time to laugh. Remember those little talent shows we would have right after dinner when our father was at work? Donna’s hand attacking her from around the corner, and my imitations of Lisa Mott? “Hi- my name’s Lisa MOTT!” I wonder what ever happened to her?

You taught us that if all else fails, SHOP! We spent a lot of time in stores, usually with Aunt Leslie. Two Guys, Great Eastern, Modells, Brunswick Square Mall. I don’t think you bought a lot, but we did a lot of shopping!

And believe it or not, you actually taught us something about nature. Imagine that, a city girl like you. I remember you bring us many times to an automated dairy farm were we got to go inside and see the cows on a revolving platform, hooked up to milk machines. And we also went to some pig farm with hogs the size of bulls, at least that was the way they looked to me! And we used to ride up the Washington Rock and look out over the countryside. You were definitely creative in the ways you entertained us without spending money!

In your own way you even taught me about God. You let me know it was all right to ask questions and seek God. That it was okay to not just accept my parent’s way of believing in God. Because of that I always knew God loved me and that has gotten me through a lot of rough times.

One thing I think we taught each other a lot about is forgiveness. We had to forgive each other a lot of things. But we did and we came away a lot better for it. You’ve been there for me through a lot of stuff, and you have been a great listener and you always let me know everything I said and felt was valid. And that means a great deal to me.

In our first life together we had a lot of fun and great times, and now in our second life we are doing the same. How many people can say they went to a Springsteen concert with their mom! Remember the drunken woman on the train! She really liked you Mom! And what about going to the flower show and the crazy woman on the street that swore she knew you. Boy, you attract some interesting people! And then we went to the Hard Rock for lunch.

So what I guess I’m trying to say is you were a great mom by just being you and showing us how to enjoy life. You taught me about the spiritual things in life and not to take the beauty of the world for granted. And when you said, “you have to suffer to be beautiful” I guess what we never thought about is that sometimes the suffering part of life helps us to be more beautiful on the inside too. And : We always knew we had a cool mom, and we still do!

Love,

Annette March 23, 2003

Joy in the Storms of Life

First, to everyone who has prayed for my niece Maria, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Two weeks before the surgery, a MIBG scan showed no sign of neuroblastoma anywhere else in Maria's body outside of the tumor. However, the scan indicated a malignant tumor. The doctors confirmed with my sister and her husband that the baby did have cancer, and that what was important would be the biopsy results. Not if there was cancer, but whether it was a low risk or high risk form of neuroblastoma, and if it was the high risk form, would they find a genetic link that would have far reaching implications for the rest of the family as well as Maria's prognosis.

I knew God could change the tumor. But would He? In spite of the test results, I asked for continued prayers that the tumor would be benign. I just could not get my brain around the possibility that God would bring Maria into the world so unexpectedly (My sister was taking birth control pills when Maria was conceived! With no mistakes about taking them!) then bring her safely into the world through a high risk and difficult pregnancy, only to take her back to Him again. I know it happens. But it was too hard to think about.

Four days after the surgery, the surgeon called to say that the pathology showed a 75% benign tumor with 25% percent low risk neuroblastoma nodules. Essentially, it was considered a benign tumor!!! The oncologist concurred and said that Maria would not need additional treatment, that there was no expectation of a recurrence of any cancer, and that all that they would do was follow her for the next few years for safety's sake.

Not long before last month I came across a question in a Bible study asking to me reflect on a time that God caused a real miracle in my life. I'm sure God works the miraculous in my life everyday. However, I really couldn't think of any outright miracle of the sort the study was referring to. Well, I can go back and re-answer that question, because I truly believe because of all the prayer being offered up on Maria's behalf, God intervened. There was no medical reason to expect this result. I know that God doesn't always say "YES" when we ask Him to intervene in this way. But this time He did. And I am so grateful, and I give Him ALL the glory. So does my sister and my brother-in-law.

I wish I could say the storm is over. But it's not. My mother is still terminally ill. There are very difficult dynamics involved with other extended family who are also involved with her care. There has been deceit, mistrust, manipulation, and accusations of all kinds. There is a lack of motivation on my mother's part to take care of the legal issues involved that will protect her when she can no longer care for herself and to see that her final wishes are respected and carried out.

By yesterday afternoon, I was having an emotional breakdown. The last few months have been like trying to get out of the ocean, and even though you are close to the shore, the waves keeping coming, knocking you down, taking your breath away, and stealing your strength. Have you ever gotten caught by a wave in knee deep water? You know you can stand, you know you are near dry land, but the wave keeps pulling you under the water and tossing you until you don't know if you are right-side-up or up-side-down. That's what I have felt like lately. And yesterday, I washed up on the beach, completely depleted, no strength, no breath.

And unfortunately, I knew I had to get back into the water again. I had to willingly go back into the storm. And as I sat quietly on my sofa, feeling like I was washed up on the beach and completely drained, something remarkable happened. I suddenly gained a complete sense of peace, resolve, and strength. I realized that some of the waves I was struggling with were my own fears that I let take control. I immediately dealt with some things that 5 minutes before I didn't not think I could do. And all the while, I said to my sisters that God would give me what I needed when I needed it to tackle what I couldn't just minutes before.

Now to some of you, this may not seem remarkable. We know as Christians that God can do this in our lives. He's done this for me before. But each time it happens, it still amazes me. In a moment, God changes everything. The situation didn't change, but everything in me changed. And while in that moment, I truly felt nothing but a feeling that someone else was moving me and speaking through me, now I feel complete joy that God blessed me that way. And especially because at the moment I was too wrapped up in my own emotions to take the time to ask Him for help.