Meeting Jesus

I wrote in my last post about "re-purposing" myself. I realized over the last few days that what is missing in my life is not purpose, but relationship.

Last week I read "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. Many people have been blown away by this book. It didn't blow me away in terms of my views on Christianity. But, there were things that Miller wrote that began to stir in me the notion that I am not in relationship with Jesus Christ.

Years ago, I read a book by Philip Yancy, "The Jesus I Never Knew." It seems to have become a staple in Christian book stores and catalogs, I have continued to see it around since I first read it, probably 15 years ago when it first came out. I remembered liking it, so I went back to my bookshelf and took it out to read again. Yancy wrote this book out of his journey to go beyond what society and man-made doctrine say about who Jesus is, and to see what the Bible specifically reveals about the person of Jesus.

I've only read the first couple of chapters so far. Yancy begins by looking at the birth of Jesus without all the "prettiness" of the Christmas story we are used to. He looks with incredulous wonder at the what is truly the absurdity and impossibility that God, the Creator of All, was born on this earth. Never mind to a teenage unwed mother in a stable, but that God would even come to meet us in human form in any way!

While reading this, it occurred to me what a gift it would be to hear the gospel completely fresh and clean of all of our human tradition and presumptions about God and Jesus. What I mean is, I grew up knowing about the "Christian God and Savior" and everything I was told and exposed to impacted my perception of the Gospel when I really read it straight from the Bible as an adult. My reaction wasn't "WOW! That's amazing that God would come down here as a human to save my soul!" My thoughts were more like, "Oh, NOW I know the full story why Jesus had to die on the cross." I didn't think deeply at that time how incomprehensible God on earth is, and that we can know God as person through Jesus. I guess that part of the story was a forgone conclusion for me. Now I understand why someone would become a missionary in places where the people have never, ever heard of Jesus Christ; it's the wonder of witnessing someone hear this story the very first time, then to come to believe it!

To hear the gospel without ever hearing it before must make the story so much more intense, impactful, incredulous, and inspiring than growing up with the notion your whole life. It must make a great foundation for a deep and lasting relationship with Christ.

I'm not saying my conversion was not a wonderful thing. It was! For me, it was the realization and acceptance that I am a sinner in need of redemption, and Jesus is the way. It was the understanding of the need for the Cross and the blood sacrifice to redeem me. And it was the assurance of the Holy Spirit living in me and freeing me from "self." But we were given a gift to know God personally through the person, the human, of Jesus. And that's the piece of the puzzle that has been missing for me all these years.

So my purpose remains the same, to be God's hands and feet on this earth, which is the purpose all Christians are given. My ministry, my job, my tasks may change in new ways to fulfill that purpose. However, my current "assignment" is to meet Jesus, and to know Him in a more personal way. It will take time, patience, and perseverance. I will be thwarted in every way. But I believe that the Holy Spirit is telling me to know Jesus or I will end up spiritually dead in the water and ineffective as a Christian. Without joy.

Re-Purposing

Wow, it's been a really long time since I've looked at my own blog. My posts were becoming more and more sporadic until I just stopped posting last winter. My life is hugely different since then.

Both of my children are in college now. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm enjoying the empty nest. I tell them the nest isn't really empty until their bills stop coming to us! But I understand what they mean. Empty nest. Empty...

A line from a recently popular song keeps running through my head..."I've been waiting for this moment all my life, but it's not quite right." The only word that adequately describes what I'm feeling is disconcerted. The Miriam-Webster online dictionary defines disconcerted as "thrown into confusion" or "to disturb the composure of." Yup...that's how I feel.

I always enjoyed my alone time. I looked forward to the times when my husband would be away for work and both of my kids would be away for whatever reason. I ate what and when I wanted, watched what I wanted on TV, cleaned, did projects, read my book into the wee hours of the morning, made plans with friends I hadn't seen in a while. I never felt lonely during those time. So I really expected that once the kids were away at school that I would revel in that time. But much to my surprise, now, when I'm home, and no one is coming home for dinner, or no one is coming home at all, I am simply lonely! Nothing really changed about those times, or did it?

For 21 years I was a full time, stay at home, mom. It was hard to get used to at first, even though it's what I wanted to do. Knowing that it wouldn't last forever, I always made it a point to have my own interests and activities. And I always made sure that my husband and I had a relationship outside of just being co-parents. Both of those intentional efforts have served me well. I don't feel bereft of my children, (well, most of the time I don't) and I my husband and I aren't strangers. Being surprised at this disconcerted feeling then, I had to think about what it is that has changed.

It didn't take long to figure out that I am lacking of a purpose. My purpose before was to raise 2 children. That dictated my routine, my goals, my motivation. And it's not that I'm not a parent anymore, I know that never goes away. But my purpose was to raise them up for them to fly away and so that they would no longer need a 24/7 caretaker. And that purpose has been fulfilled.

It's not that I don't have anything to do. It's not that I can't be productive. But I need a reason to be doing what I'm doing, otherwise I'm just a mouse in a maze; I'm accomplishing the task the maze provides for me, but why am I doing it?

There is a new word that is very popular right now...it's one of those catchy buzz words..."re-purposing." We aren't supposed to throw things away, we are supposed to re-purpose them. I didn't like that word, it was so "green" and "politically correct." But it applies to my life right now, I need to be re-purposed. That doesn't mean I need to find things to do. Things to do seem to have no problem finding me! I need a reason, a motivation, a purpose for doing things.

I'm not saying I can't find a purpose, I'm not looking for help from my friends finding a purpose. I'm simply recognizing that the disconcerting feeling I have is God telling me I need to seek his new purpose for me.

Going where we are called.

A young woman named Kristy R. from our congregation just arrived in Haiti to join a medical mission team that has already been providing medical care since shortly after the earthquake. If anyone is prepared for this mission, it's Kristy. She spent two years working for the Peace Corp in a remote and primitive village in Ecuador. She is used to living without electricity and running water. Since returning from Ecuador she has become a nurse. Her mother has been going on medical mission trips for many years, and I'm pretty sure Kristy has gone with her at least once. Kristy has requested our prayers that she will be the hands and feet and voice of Jesus, and that we pray for the Haitian people.

Yesterday morning during worship, our preacher Dan commented that Kristy will see, hear, and even smell things that she will not soon forget and that those things may trouble her for some time to come. Not that it can even be compared, but it made me think of my trip to Mississippi a couple of weeks after Hurricane Katrina hit.

When I say it can't compare, I don't mean the tragedy and human suffering, I'm speaking of my experience. We did not go to provide medical care. We didn't witness death and suffering in the way that Kristy will in Haiti. Mostly we cut down trees, cleared peoples driveways and roofs, handed out relief supplies, and helped clean up the mess in people's homes.

What reminded me was just the impact of the experience on my life. Seeing the aftermath of the sheer power of that storm was remarkable. Seeing steel columns twisted like pipecleaners and houses pushed aside the way a child would clear a pile of Legos off a table was something I'll never forget. Seeing the markings on the remnants of homes along the Gulf that indicated the discovery of dead bodies was sobering. Knowing that those people had enough warning to get out of harm's way and didn't was baffling.

That experience of seeing a lifetime worth of "stuff" being blown away and washed away made me look at my "stuff" in a much different way. There were houses that were not there anymore, just the foundation with some of the contents left lying on the ground or hanging out of the surrounding trees. (Yes, trees were left even though the houses were not.) Or a little further inland where the problem was the tidal surge, the contents of homes were literally put in piles on front lawns with signs not to dispose of what was there until the insurance company came to see it. It's all stuff.

Sadly, for the people in Haiti, a lot of them didn't have "stuff" to begin with. They didn't have any warning either. The only reason they care about the rubble is because their loved ones could still be within that rubble.

I remember watching the coverage of what was happening in Mississippi and Louisiana right after the hurricane. I remember standing in front of the TV crying because of the absolute horror and suffering I was seeing.

I haven't watched much of the coverage from Haiti. At first I wondered if I was just being cold. But no, just the opposite. I think the more suffering I've seen, both in the world and in my own life, the harder it is getting for me to take it in. I just can't bear it. Even more, I hate the exploitation of the tragedy by the media. Yes, it needs to be covered, and yes, the ugliness of it needs to be shown so the needs are known. But as soon as the next big story comes along, the media will move on. Is it possible that I'm more compassionate yet more cynical at the same time?

How did Jesus do it? He saw it all. I know he was perfect, but in him humaness, how could he have taken it all in. He walked on earth and knew just by looking at someone what their suffering was. He knew who was exploiting whom. And we are called to do the same.

When Katrina happened, I felt an immediate need to go help. I felt called, and blessed when the opportunity to go opened to me. I got so much more than I gave.

I haven't had that feeling about Haiti. But I don't feel bad about that, because Kristy did have that calling. God prepares us and calls us where and when he wants us. That might be to go to Haiti, or it may be to stay home with our sick child. It may be to support a loved one going through illness or life's trials. From the simplest to the most difficult of situations. If we are open to Him, He will send us. And because He sends us, we will probably get more than we can give. I'm almost positive that Kristy will say that when she gets home.

Birdfeed

I have several bird-feeders in my backyard. They're all different to accommodate different feeding styles and each with a different kind of food to attract different birds. I hadn't been filling them up regularly, and because of that, the birds seem to forget that the feeders are there. So sometimes it's a few days before I begin to see a lot of birds again. When I do keep it filled regularly, and they know it's going to be there, I swear I hear them all start chirping when I'm filling the feeders. And sometimes a few brave birds will swoop in as I'm walking away.

I don't know who has actually trained whom, but I do make it a point to have the feeders filled when I know a snow storm is coming. When it's snowing, there are even more birds than usual at the feeder, even if it's only a dusting of snow. I guess the obvious food is easiest for them when it's cold and things are being covered up. I don't go out of my way to fill the feeders if there's going to be a rain storm, because if the seed gets too wet, it just mildews. Funny thing though, the birds flock to the feeders during rain storms too.

I was pondering all of this yesterday afternoon while I was looking out at the feeders and I started to think of some similarities between the birds, the feeders, God and us.

Fortunately for us, God never forgets to fill our "feeders." I believe that God has designed his "feed" and the way he feeds it in a very specific way, especially on a corporate basis. But I also believe that he has the ability to feed each of us what we need, when and how we need it, in our personal relationship with him in a way that is just as unique as he has created each of us to be.

Whether we come to the feeder or not, God makes sure it's always full and ready for us. And once we begin to trust that it's always full, I think we are more likely to come to the feeder for what we need instead of hunting around for feed ourselves. Also like the birds, we seem to show up at the feeder more quickly when there is a storm.

I'm trying to spend more time at God's feeder in both fair and stormy weather.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" Matthew 5:26

"Even a sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young- a place near your alter, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you." Psalm 84:3-4

Dusting Off The Blog

Wow, it's been so long since I've visited my own blog that I couldn't remember at first how to use it!

So here's the story: My blog is "Choose Joy Today" and I said that I would write about joy...get the picture why I haven't been around the blogosphere lately! 2009 was about the most chaotic year of my life. Just when I thought I had re-grouped, I had a dance with depression at the end of the summer. And then my father-in-law had a life or death medical crisis that ended with a last ditch effort to fix his heart with a very dangerous surgery. Fortunately, he made it, and he is doing great, praise God! But I just haven't been able to bubble up the joy.

I have been itching to write again. I can't promise how frequently it will be, or how joyful it will be. So you can read it, or pass on it, your choice. I'm on a journey to reclaim my spiritual joy, so I'll be writing about that along with all of the yuck that will probably go along with it.

2010 also promises to be a year of lasts and firsts for us...a year of lots of changes. Mallory is graduating, so we are in the "lasts" right now. So far we've had our last "first day of school," I've had my last "back to school night," I've probably chaperoned my last "class trip." We've done the last fall play and we are now on the last spring musical. Pretty soon we'll be shopping for the last prom dress.

The "firsts" haven't really begun yet, I'm just focusing on the "lasts" for now. But looming on the horizon is the fact that I will be out of the job I've held for 21 years...full time mommy. Like I said, lots of changes.

Consider this the introduction to the next phase of "Choose Joy Today." I know there will be some tears, and hopefully there will be laughs along the way too! "A cheerful heart is good medicine..." Proverbs 17:22