Re-Purposing

Wow, it's been a really long time since I've looked at my own blog. My posts were becoming more and more sporadic until I just stopped posting last winter. My life is hugely different since then.

Both of my children are in college now. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm enjoying the empty nest. I tell them the nest isn't really empty until their bills stop coming to us! But I understand what they mean. Empty nest. Empty...

A line from a recently popular song keeps running through my head..."I've been waiting for this moment all my life, but it's not quite right." The only word that adequately describes what I'm feeling is disconcerted. The Miriam-Webster online dictionary defines disconcerted as "thrown into confusion" or "to disturb the composure of." Yup...that's how I feel.

I always enjoyed my alone time. I looked forward to the times when my husband would be away for work and both of my kids would be away for whatever reason. I ate what and when I wanted, watched what I wanted on TV, cleaned, did projects, read my book into the wee hours of the morning, made plans with friends I hadn't seen in a while. I never felt lonely during those time. So I really expected that once the kids were away at school that I would revel in that time. But much to my surprise, now, when I'm home, and no one is coming home for dinner, or no one is coming home at all, I am simply lonely! Nothing really changed about those times, or did it?

For 21 years I was a full time, stay at home, mom. It was hard to get used to at first, even though it's what I wanted to do. Knowing that it wouldn't last forever, I always made it a point to have my own interests and activities. And I always made sure that my husband and I had a relationship outside of just being co-parents. Both of those intentional efforts have served me well. I don't feel bereft of my children, (well, most of the time I don't) and I my husband and I aren't strangers. Being surprised at this disconcerted feeling then, I had to think about what it is that has changed.

It didn't take long to figure out that I am lacking of a purpose. My purpose before was to raise 2 children. That dictated my routine, my goals, my motivation. And it's not that I'm not a parent anymore, I know that never goes away. But my purpose was to raise them up for them to fly away and so that they would no longer need a 24/7 caretaker. And that purpose has been fulfilled.

It's not that I don't have anything to do. It's not that I can't be productive. But I need a reason to be doing what I'm doing, otherwise I'm just a mouse in a maze; I'm accomplishing the task the maze provides for me, but why am I doing it?

There is a new word that is very popular right now...it's one of those catchy buzz words..."re-purposing." We aren't supposed to throw things away, we are supposed to re-purpose them. I didn't like that word, it was so "green" and "politically correct." But it applies to my life right now, I need to be re-purposed. That doesn't mean I need to find things to do. Things to do seem to have no problem finding me! I need a reason, a motivation, a purpose for doing things.

I'm not saying I can't find a purpose, I'm not looking for help from my friends finding a purpose. I'm simply recognizing that the disconcerting feeling I have is God telling me I need to seek his new purpose for me.