A Woman's Vocabulary

Today on Patti's Moms Transformed blog she wrote about men of "steel and velvet" and asked us to comment on our men of steel and velvet...so I did. http://momstransformed.blogspot.com/2008/10/no-more-night-men-of-steel-and-velvet.html When I posted the comment and looked back at it, it sure sounded like I was married to the perfect man! Well of course he is not perfect, but he's perfect for me! And ladies, you know we all mold our men...they don't come to us as the finished "perfect husband" product! We of course, as wives, come ready out of the box. (Please hear this with a strong sarcastic tone! ;) ) One friend likes to say that men have to attend the "Lunk-head" school! Well here's what I imagine would be a couple of lessons for the lunk-heads!
(Joy-booster alert...you're supposed to laugh at this!)

LESSON ONE: A WOMAN'S VOCABULARY

FINE: This is the word we use to end an argument. "Fine" means that the argument is over, we are right, you should shut up. Never use "Fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

OH: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says, "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding on your punishment for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say, "You're welcome."

THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

LESSON TWO: HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR WIFE DURING THAT ONE SPECIAL WEEK OUT OF THE MONTH (Unless she is going through to menopause, in which case, use this daily in conjunction with lesson one.)

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every Husband, boyfriend, and significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here is fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you some caramel for that apple?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I have always loved you in that robe
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolates.

Okay then...what does this really say...who is really the perfect spouse in a marriage! My joy comes from a good laugh... at myself! And also that neither one of us has to be perfect, if God forgives us for being imperfect, surely we can forgive one another!

A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones. Proverbs 15:30