Here's a list of the top 10 things I learned since January.10.
Dirty is a relative term. What I used to think was a dirty house pales in comparison to what a house looks like after a month of 5 extra people living here and then another month of not having time to clean after that. So from now on, if I say "My house is dirty," it really means it's dirty, not just dusty and messy! Dusty and messy no longer count for much.
9.
People who are hurting the most may be the ones that offer you some of the most heartfelt support. Two women I know who are immersed in their own difficulties have been extraordinarily supportive. So next time I think that "I don't have time," or "I have too much on my own plate," I'm going to think of these two women and check myself to see if I really do have too much to deal with to support someone else.
8.
Send the card. I'm not good a sending cards for things like thank yous, thinking of you, or sympathy. It's not that I don't want to, it just seems to be one of those things that get pushed off until the eternal tomorrow. If I go to a funeral, I don't send a card, because I figure that the family knows they are in my thoughts because I was there. Or I think, that person or family is so busy and grief stricken that they won't even notice if I send a card. And I never know what to write in a sympathy card either. I have received dozens and dozens of sympathy cards over the past few weeks. Every single one of them has meant a great deal to me. I've received them from people who came to the memorial service, people who sent flowers, people who read my facebook page, and some people I wouldn't ever expect to take the time to acknowledge my loss. Some of them have had meaningful notes written in them, some just a signature. But they have touched my heart the same. It's been powerful experience to know how many people have thought of me and my family.
7.
I don't have to explain. I'm asked several times daily, "How are you?" I just don't know how to answer that because honestly I don't know how I feel. I'm not sure I feel anything. At first I would launch into an explanation of why I don't know how I feel. I've realized that most of the people who are asking me how I feel don't need to hear anymore than, "I don't know how I feel." Most people understand that, because somewhere along the way, most adults have been overwhelmed by life.
6.
It's okay to be "that person." I've never been "that person" who's name is announced in church, who is prayed for from the pulpit, or got a card of support from Tuesday morning Ladies class. I've always been a "go to person," someone who can always pick up one more task, or help out in a pinch. I've always been a Timex, I take a lickin' and keep on tickin'. I've never been "that person," the one who is so overwhelmed that no one will consider adding another thing to my plate. But guess what, that's who I am now, and there's no shame in it. I really can't take on anymore right now, and I have accepted that. And I appreciate those around me who realize that too.
5.
Everyone grieves differently. This is probably the most significant loss of a loved one I have experienced so far. But I think I've been less emotional than I have over the loss of some church members who I hardly knew. I don't know why, and I don't like it. I feel like I look like a cold fish to everyone. But I have to trust that God will lead me in my grief and bring me through it in the way He knows is best for me.
4.
Take time for family. I've gotten caught up in an unexpected trap. I have a great church family. My parents and siblings live more than an hour away, some 2 hours away. So I've gotten to depend on my church family. It's become easier and easier to put off phone calls and visits because I'm so busy with the people that are nearby. I've spent more time with my family in the last 2 months than in the last few years. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. And sometimes as a Christian, you are the only Bible some of your family members will ever read. So take time for family.
3.
Say thank you. I say thank you at all the typical times. But when someone would offer me help, I would usually give an explanation why I didn't need help. And then if it turned out I did need help, I was afraid to ask after I turned them down. When my niece was in the hospital, I sent out e-mail updates to the rest of the family, my brother-in-law's family, their church family, and their neighbors and friends. People who lived 2 hours away would offer to drive down just to give me an hour off!. At first I almost went into the usual explanations. Then I realized (thank you God,) that people not only want to help, they need to help. There were many people who were so far away that felt helpless because of the distance, and I realized that they needed to be able to offer help as much for their own comfort as for the comfort of my sister and her family. So God led me to say, "Thank you," and "I will take you up on your offer when I need you." And I did when I needed the help. And when I didn't, I was still really was thankful for the offer!
2.
It's too easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment. There was some ugly stuff going on within the family when my mother's health was declining. Being tired and depleted opens the door for satan to come in and do his dirty work. I've seen things that were absolutely ridiculous and infantile go on in other people's families during times of crisis when everyone really should be pulling together. It's hard enough to believe unstable people can drop to the levels I've seen, but I am really baffled when reasonable people get sucked in. "I would never act like that!" I always thought. Yeah, right. I got sucked in even as I knew it was happening. I was angry with myself even as it was going on. Fortunately, God pulled me out before I said and did things that were irreversible. I didn't always conduct myself in a manner that was pleasing to God, but I finished strong, and in the end left the kind of impression a Christian should.
1.
Prayer is powerful. I knew this already. As you've read on my blog in the past, I believe prayer caused God to intervene in Maria's illness. But over the last couple of months, I experienced the power of prayer in a different way as well. I often didn't have the energy to pray. That's how depleted I was. But I asked others to pray for me. And knowing that my friends were praying for me in earnest lifted me and gave me the strength to keep going. I can't find the words to describe how powerfully I felt the prayers. I am so grateful and filled with joy because of those prayers.
